For many families, the thought of saying goodbye to their beloved pet is overwhelming.Parents may be unsure about the best way to help their children during this time. Though we want to protect our children from hurt by shielding them from an experience, that approach can actually cause more confusion and emotional pain. So what can we do to help a child deal with the death of a family companion?
When you have an older pet or terminally ill pet and you can see the time is approaching to say goodbye, it is best to prepare your children in advance. Make them aware of the fact that they have probably noticed the pet has not been feeling well, slowing down, sleeping a lot or having problems moving around. Let them know that the problem is not something that can be fixed and soon it will be time to say goodbye. Make sure this conversation is held during a time of low stress and not before any activities or bedtime. Ask if they have any questions and how they feel about what’s been said. They may need time to think about and process what’s been said and what’s going to happen. Preparing them for what lies ahead helps ease the distress.
Depending on the age of the child, they may be the best one to determine whether or not they should be present for the euthanasia process. Let them know that this will end the pet’s suffering in a peaceful way and that the pet will not be scared. Giving them a choice whether or not to be present and letting them know they can leave at any time they want will bring them peace of mind. When we try to shield them by not allowing them to make a choice or by being adamant in our choice for them, we create more anxiety and fear about what the pet will experience.
If your child has decided that they do want to be present for the euthanasia appointment it’s good to include them in decisions such as where the pet will be the most comfortable (if at home) and what to have with them such as toys and blankets. They may want to put a favorite photo nearby with handmade cards or drawings or notes. Children should be allowed to ask any questions they have at any time during the euthanasia process. If the pet still has an appetite then gathering special snacks and allowing the child to participate in feeding the snacks during the euthanasia appointment will help them feel a part of the process.
At the appointment your veterinarian should walk the family through the process and what to expect. The medications we use allow the pet to go into a deep sleep first and then peacefully transition. So it looks as close to going to sleep and not waking up as we can make it. The only discomfort that may occur is the administration of the initial sedative medication.
If the children are not present for the pet’s death, the number one principle is to be honest.
Making up a story about what happened to the pet (“they ran away”, “they went to live with someone else”, “they went to sleep and didn’t wake up”, “we gave them away to a farm”, etc) to avoid telling them the truth doesn’t protect the child or help them with the loss. Most of the time it causes the children to ask questions at which point the story grows. Children figure out at some point that they were not told the truth about what happened to their pet; this causes a large breach of trust and causes them to wonder what else their parents have not been honest
about.
Many times adults try to soften our words and avoid saying “death” or “died”. But sayings like “went to sleep” or “no longer here” or “passed away” may very well cause confusion to children. A simple explanation that is age appropriate is sufficient. For example: the pet has died and that means the body has stopped working and the pet will not be coming back.
Depending on beliefs and age you could talk about the pet “going to heaven” or “their soul leaving their body”.
Children may look to you to see your reactions and if it’s safe to show their feelings of sadness and grief, therefore it is good for them to see that you are sad and cry. It is appropriate to be sad, angry, or even feel guilty. Many parents want to wash away these feelings by telling their child that their pet was suffering and now no longer is in pain. While this is true it is normal to be upset and hurt from losing someone they love and good to release emotions through crying. Their pet may have truly been their “best friend”, playmate, sleep buddy and confidant.
Celebrate the pet ahead of time. Writing a note to the pet, drawing pictures of them, bringing out photos of them and sharing funny stories about them are all great activities. There are also memorial kits available for ink and clay paw prints, as well as stepping stone kits that can be used ahead of time if the pet is amenable. These can also be done at the euthanasia appointment after the pet has passed. Memorial products may be provided by the veterinarian
and crematorium.
Memorialize a pet afterwards through various age-appropriate activities. Painting rocks, planting a memorial plant or garden, creating a shadow box, having a “funeral” ceremony, creating a scrapbook, writing a pet “obituary” or having a dinner in their honor where everyone gets a chance to tell their favorite story can all be outlets to process grief and celebrate the life
of a beloved pet.
There is no timeline for grief and each child will process differently. They may appear to quickly get over things and move on, or they may process in bits and experience waves of sadness sometimes seemingly out of nowhere. Many times children will ask questions, cry, and then goback to playing normally. This cycle may repeat itself many times in the first days after the loss.
Patience, listening, giving reassurance that the sadness will fade and happy memories will remain all help a child move through the process in a healthy way.
Keeping a normal routine and schedule also are a reminder that although there has been a big change, some things still remain the same and this gives a sense of security.
Trying to “fix” the situation by rushing out and getting another pet conveys the message that their beloved pet and friend is replaceable. It is best to wait until your child is ready and asks
about getting another pet.
The loss of a pet is something a child will remember for the rest of their life. But loss is also a very real part of life. When we can guide and support a child through this loss we increase their resilience and coping skills to process grief, as well as modeling empathy and compassion for them.
-Dr.Debra Freiberg
